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How to Take the High Road
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How to Take the High Road

When someone provokes you, it’s easy to react without thinking. Learn to slow down and respond in ways you’ll be proud of

Alissa Hebbeln and Russell Kolts
Psyche, 2024
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Picture it: A relative questions your life choices during dinner; a colleague criticizes your work; a stranger makes a snarky remark in the grocery store. Situations like these can elicit strong emotions and, if you bite back, may lead to full-blown arguments. At 2016’s Democratic National Convention, Michelle Obama proclaimed, “When they go low, we go high.” Alas, taking the high road isn’t always easy. It requires practice, compassion, and a strong moral compass. Alissa Hebbeln, a clinical therapist, and Russell Kolts, a clinical psychologist, examine how to rise above with grace and integrity.

Summary

The human brain is wired to respond instinctively to perceived attacks, even verbal ones. Reprogram your brain to control your temper and take the high road.

Lashing out at someone whose words or actions make you feel strong negative emotions is an evolutionary response to a perceived threat. If someone criticizes you or raises a topic of conversation you find triggering, you might feel fear, anger, or anxiety course through your body. Though no real physical threat exists, your brain’s “threat system” ignites, impeding your ability to think clearly or empathize with the other person. Caught unaware, you might react poorly and later feel ashamed of your failure to keep calm and take the high road. While the threat system protected humans from predators in ancient times, it has yet to evolve to help you navigate modern social conflicts with grace.

Humans also have an inborn “safeness system,” which helps them build connections with one another. When you engage this system, your body produces...

About the Authors

Alissa Hebbeln is a clinical intern therapist. Clinical psychologist Russell Kolts is a professor at Eastern Washington University, where he researches compassion-focused therapy. 

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