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The Courage to Be Disliked
A review of

The Courage to Be Disliked

The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga • Atria Books • 2018

Approachable Adler

by David Meyer

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, who are followers of Adlerian psychology and best-selling authors, present Adler’s principles in the form of an accessible fable.

Ichiro Kishimi is a certified counselor and consultant for the Japanese Society of Adlerian psychology. Fumitake Koga, his co-author and also a devotee of Adlerian psychology, is a best-selling author. Here, they discuss psychologist Alfred Adler – a contemporary of Freud and Jung – through a dialogue between a young man and an older philosopher. This meaningful work has sold more than 3.5 million copies in Asia.

Western readers are likely to regard it as a Socratic exchange. Eastern readers, and those familiar with Eastern thought, will recognize it as a classic Confucian conversation in which an elder person schools a younger person in the correct ways of being or thinking without ever stating directly what behavior this requires. The youth must, to a degree, figure things out for himself or herself.

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    C. C. 10 months ago
    10 Lessons from the book “The Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga:

    1. Never compare yourself to others:
    Life isn’t a competition, and if you see it as such, you’ll take other people’s successes as your defeat, and vice versa. Try not to spend so much time on social media.

    2. Freedom is being okay if people dislike you:
    Humans wired to thrive in communities so the fear of disapproval makes people freeze inside. Being okay with people not liking us is freedom.

    3. All problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems:
    People are afraid of being judged by others. If there were nobody else in the world, our problems as we know them wouldn’t exist. All our problems have the touch of other people in some way or the other.

    4. Don’t live to satisfy others:
    Get rid of the need to please others. Stay true to yourself. Live your life in complete freedom and according to your own principles. Always remember that what other people think of you is none of your business.

    5. Stop using trauma as an excuse:
    Discard the victim mentality. Our past experiences – including traumas – affect us not by the events themselves, but by the meanings, we attach to them.

    6. Embrace individuality:
    Accept and celebrate your unique self. Overcome the burden of social expectations. Lifestyle is not something given, but something chosen. Be authentically You.

    7. You’re not actually inferior:
    Don’t use your inferiority complex to give up on things, rationalize self-pity, and resolve to be helpless. Don’t use it as an excuse not to do things; “I don’t have a degree, so I can’t succeed.”

    8. Focus on your own tasks:
    When people don’t like us, that is their problem. Before helping others, you have to help yourself, otherwise, you will end up resenting the very people you’re trying to help.

    9. Put yourself on the same level as others:
    Never put yourself above or below anyone. Instead of building hierarchical relationships, build horizontal ones that put you both on the same level as each other. If someone hasn’t done an adequate enough job, let them know your expectations without passing judgment.

    10. You can change your life, if you want to:
    If you believe that the past determined your present and therefore your future, then you’ve already decided on your future. Changing your lifestyle and reaching for your dreams opens you up to failure, rejection, and criticism.