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The Right Way to Say the Unsayable
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The Right Way to Say the Unsayable

How to speak truth without fear — but avoid alienating everyone you know

Arthur C. Brooks
The Atlantic, 2024
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In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius counsels his son, Laertes: “This above all: to thine own self be true.” But if thine own self were to harbor any, say, contentious or taboo opinions, shouldst thou nevertheless be true? In the age of cancel culture, individuals fear that their authentic selves, unleashed, would become social pariahs. In truth, everyone holds secret beliefs that they hide from others. Social scientist and journalist Arthur C. Brooks explores the theme of ostracism and explains how to muster the “moral courage” to disclose your true beliefs — if you deem it a worthwhile endeavor.

Summary

Conformity offered social protection in ancient times. 

People hide their true feelings for various reasons. Under authoritarian regimes, individuals are not allowed to say what they believe. Under totalitarian regimes, subjects must express beliefs contrary to those they believe. Yet even in free societies, many people censor themselves because they fear their truth will result in social exclusion.

In ancient times, conformity meant safety in numbers. Anyone who went against the grain became a social pariah and was banished from the community. While this fear is no longer valid, the brain has not yet evolved to dismiss it. The anterior cingulate cortex is an area of the brain tasked with spotting rejection and feeling the acute pain of any resulting fallout. 

Ostracism jeopardizes several basic psychological needs, including the need for “belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaning.”

If your family disowns you or your friends ghost you, you lose your sense of identity and ties...

About the Author

Social scientist Arthur C. Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and the host of the How to Build a Happy Life podcast.

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