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When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Book

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Manuel J. Smith
Doubleday Broadway, 1985
First Edition: 1975

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Editorial Rating

8

Qualities

  • Applicable

Recommendation

Take a trip back to the 1970s, when leisure suits, long sideburns and “assertiveness training” were all the rage. Psychologist Manuel J. Smith was a pioneer in the life-changing assertiveness training movement. Reading his bestseller about it decades later adds a new perspective. Some of his advice still feels relevant, particularly when he urges you to beware of those who try to impose their standards of “right” and “wrong” to manipulate you. Smith lists your 10 “assertive rights,” the most important being the right to be the ultimate judge of your own behavior. He details several verbal techniques you can use to block manipulation, and encourage productive communication and negotiation. He supports each tactic with sample dialogues from real-life situations. Although some of his counsel may seem as dated as disco, getAbstract recommends his classic training manual to anyone who still feels guilty about saying “no!”

Summary

Problem Solving

No one’s life is problem-free. Inevitably, everyone encounters bumps on the road. Just like other members of the animal kingdom, humans have an innate, survival-based “fight or flight” response when they feel threatened. Unlike animals, however, humans in conflict possess another coping skill: the ability to solve problems verbally. Yet, when threatened, challenged or intimidated, people often respond with “anger-aggression, fear-flight or depression-withdrawal.” These primordial coping mechanisms pale in comparison with “verbal assertive problem-solving.” Unfortunately, many people have not learned this skill or do not use it as well as they could.

From the moment you could walk and talk, your parents attempted to control your behavior. Often, they manipulated your emotions so you felt “anxious, ignorant or guilty” about your actions. They did not intend to be mean and they were probably unaware of the impact of their words because their parents brought them up the same way. For instance, if you left your toys on the floor, your mother might say, “Only bad children leave their toys out to make a mess.” This made you feel guilty, nervous and a little...

About the Author

Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D., is a clinical-experimental psychologist and the author of Yes, I Can Say No. His work has appeared in numerous professional and scientific publications, including the Journal of Experimental Psychology and Psychology Report.

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