Getting to Zero

Conflicts bubble up in your relationships when you feel threatened by excessive closeness or distance.

The word “conflict” frequently conjures images of battles or violence. In reality, conflict doesn’t necessarily mean all-out warfare. Loosely defined, a conflict is “a rupture, disconnection or unresolved issue” between two or more people or within yourself, in cases of inner turmoil. Conflicts can unfold when you feel unwanted, intrusive closeness from another person – for example, if someone shouts at you or infringes on your personal space. They can also happen when too much distance triggers abandonment fears – if, for example, you sense that someone is ignoring or avoiding you. 

You may find yourself behaving like an entirely different person during conflicts, perhaps throwing tantrums, giving others the silent treatment, ghosting people or being brutally mean. Such responses are attempts at self-preservation. If you’ve experienced pain in your past, you can falsely perceive conflict as threatening – just as a mistreated rescue dog might struggle to trust a loving new owner.