Anxious to Please

You Can Be Too Nice

"Chronically nice" people actually suffer from feelings of pervasive guilt and lack of self-regard. They crave attention and recognition - so much so that they settle for any notice they receive and continue to be nice even to callous or insulting people. Chronic niceness is not so nice after all, since it originates from chronic anxiety.

Nice peoples’ problems begin within their relationships with their parents. Instead of a strong, healthy childhood emotional bond, or "secure attachment," they experienced an "anxious attachment," in which they did not get enough of the love and nurturing they needed. The modern era’s consumer culture, dual careers and lack of family networks to help tend children put enormous pressure on parents. Poorly supported mothers and absent fathers raise anxiously attached children. As adults, they keep looking for approval. To gain it, they feel they must suppress their negative feelings such as hostility, anger and desperate need.

In contrast, the "transforming person" is on a path from a continual state of anxiety to emotional health. To become a transforming person you must recognize that the anxiety in your ...